sunderland: a tourist's guide
here's something light hearted to hopefully cheer you.
now, i didn't write this. secretly i wish i had.
i first saw this many moons ago, but lost it in the great computer disaster of 2003 in drogheda, co. louth. it was recently returned to me via a mackem in italy. alas, i don't know who to credit, but i will gladly buy them a pint. unless they're a m@g.
the future's bright, the future's mackem.
***
Sunderland, tucked away in the north east of England, is a hidden gem. After its discovery by missionaries in the nineteenth century it became a vibrant area forcrime, NHS blunders, and unemployment. The town is the ideal launch-pad for a tour of fascinating heavy industrial sites, desolate brownfield locations and unsuccessful emergency regional funding projects. The centre has a lively nightlife and boasts numerous working-men's clubs, fine chip shops and a smallishdog-track.
Sunderland's famous sons are few and far between, and one might be tempted to dismiss it as one of the more insignificant towns in England. Yet nothing could be further from the truth. Its inhabitants, affectionately known as Mackem c****, have a long and honourable tradition of making salt, possess a famously polluted river, and the population is renowned for its cheeky car thieves and disabled housebreakers
Full name: The town of Sunderland
Area: 5.6 sq km
Population: No. of benefit claimants divided by two
People: 4% Simian, 4% Gypsy, 2.6% Human
Language: Slurred
Religion: 60.1% Heathen, 32.5% Scientologist, 7.4%Mithras
Local Government: Old Labour
GDP per head: US$74
Annual growth: -5%
Inflation: 10%
Major industries: Scrounging, wheel-theft, graffiti,eating (esp.processed foods and lard pie).
Major trading partners: Peterlee, Stanley
Twinned with: Mogadishu, Apeworld (Wroclaw, Poland)
Facts for the Traveller
Visas: Make your own with crayons and see if they tell the difference.
Health risks: Botulism, foot-and-mouth, staggers
Time: GMT minus fifteen years
Electricity: 220V, 50 Hz (limited coverage)
Weights & measures: Fish, loaves
Tourism: 20 visitors per year
When to Go
Sunderland is shrouded in gloom for around eleven months of the year. July can be spectacular, but is normally wet. Like Paris and Rome, the town is quiet in August, but unlike anywhere else it stays that way all year round. Not for nothing is the word Sunderland derived from the old Norse for "hell-hole inmourning". Autumn is beautiful, elsewhere, but the skies in this town are resolutely murky. November is one of the rainiest months of the year. Winter is cold, often bleak, and most shops closed.
Events
Sunderland's major celebration is the Spring Relegation Festival (May), a two-week cultural extravaganza of wailing and grinding of teeth. Tourists come from afar to wear sackcloth and ashes, and a month of hard solitary drinking culminates withthe crucifixion of a curious half-man half-monkey inthe town square. The symphony orchestra has an international reputation. Not. Sunderland's glass-engraving industry reached itsapogee at the beginning of the twentieth century and also proved an enduring source of entertainment to local vandals.
Money & Costs
Currency: Groat (Gt)
Meals
Chips: 2-3 Groats
Chips and big sausage: 3-5 Groats
Cup of mutton-fat: 6 Groats and upwards.
Lodging
Bus station: 5-7 Groats
Tent: 7-8 Groats
Fat slapper's hoose: 8 Groats and upwards
Sunderland remains a bargain destination for foreign travellers. If you pull, eat only fat and suet, and walk everywhere, you should get away on about 12 Groats a day without scrimping. Changing money is awkward. There are no banks, so everything is black-market. Shopping is even more frustrating. Despite the European Commission's best efforts, even the most westernised shops deal in pounds and ounces. Most rely on barter, so it's wise to bring proof of title to livestock, grazing land, or serfs.
Culture
Um. How to put this... Sunderland has always lived in the shadow of its bigger brother up the road, even to the extent of copying its bridge. Consequently, the locals have a chip on their shoulders about the quality of their football, beer and cultural life. That said, there is plenty going on around the town, apparently most of it involving line-dancing classes or violent beatings. Youngsters are made to watch videos teaching them how to wash properly, while it's long been a tradition among the older populace to enjoy hours of daytime television.
Suffrage is universal, but Sunderland recently made history when it was the first constituency to cast no votes at all in European elections. Those keen on making friends with the locals might consider bringing gifts of ribbons, bells, or brightly-coloured paper and foil.
Getting There
Earthworks from a putative canal linking Sunderland with Newcastle can still be seen on an escarpment near the centre. The project was unsuccessful. The railway reached the town several decades after most provincial towns were connected, and on fine days the station's single platform is still crowded with curious citizenry who come to marvel at the technology and speculate as to the relative speeds of trains and horses.
Getting Around
Walking is by far the most convenient way to get around this compact little town. Most tourists stay indoors from dusk onwards, but for andrenalin-junkies a visit to any of the pubs around the Bridges Shopping Centre offers the thrill of a remarkably violent atmosphere from around 7pm. Owing to the smog which bathes the town after dark, it can be difficult distinguishing between the sexes of the populace; visitors seeking romance should take extra care.
enjoy your trip. ftm
now, i didn't write this. secretly i wish i had.
i first saw this many moons ago, but lost it in the great computer disaster of 2003 in drogheda, co. louth. it was recently returned to me via a mackem in italy. alas, i don't know who to credit, but i will gladly buy them a pint. unless they're a m@g.
the future's bright, the future's mackem.
***
Sunderland, tucked away in the north east of England, is a hidden gem. After its discovery by missionaries in the nineteenth century it became a vibrant area forcrime, NHS blunders, and unemployment. The town is the ideal launch-pad for a tour of fascinating heavy industrial sites, desolate brownfield locations and unsuccessful emergency regional funding projects. The centre has a lively nightlife and boasts numerous working-men's clubs, fine chip shops and a smallishdog-track.
Sunderland's famous sons are few and far between, and one might be tempted to dismiss it as one of the more insignificant towns in England. Yet nothing could be further from the truth. Its inhabitants, affectionately known as Mackem c****, have a long and honourable tradition of making salt, possess a famously polluted river, and the population is renowned for its cheeky car thieves and disabled housebreakers
Full name: The town of Sunderland
Area: 5.6 sq km
Population: No. of benefit claimants divided by two
People: 4% Simian, 4% Gypsy, 2.6% Human
Language: Slurred
Religion: 60.1% Heathen, 32.5% Scientologist, 7.4%Mithras
Local Government: Old Labour
GDP per head: US$74
Annual growth: -5%
Inflation: 10%
Major industries: Scrounging, wheel-theft, graffiti,eating (esp.processed foods and lard pie).
Major trading partners: Peterlee, Stanley
Twinned with: Mogadishu, Apeworld (Wroclaw, Poland)
Facts for the Traveller
Visas: Make your own with crayons and see if they tell the difference.
Health risks: Botulism, foot-and-mouth, staggers
Time: GMT minus fifteen years
Electricity: 220V, 50 Hz (limited coverage)
Weights & measures: Fish, loaves
Tourism: 20 visitors per year
When to Go
Sunderland is shrouded in gloom for around eleven months of the year. July can be spectacular, but is normally wet. Like Paris and Rome, the town is quiet in August, but unlike anywhere else it stays that way all year round. Not for nothing is the word Sunderland derived from the old Norse for "hell-hole inmourning". Autumn is beautiful, elsewhere, but the skies in this town are resolutely murky. November is one of the rainiest months of the year. Winter is cold, often bleak, and most shops closed.
Events
Sunderland's major celebration is the Spring Relegation Festival (May), a two-week cultural extravaganza of wailing and grinding of teeth. Tourists come from afar to wear sackcloth and ashes, and a month of hard solitary drinking culminates withthe crucifixion of a curious half-man half-monkey inthe town square. The symphony orchestra has an international reputation. Not. Sunderland's glass-engraving industry reached itsapogee at the beginning of the twentieth century and also proved an enduring source of entertainment to local vandals.
Money & Costs
Currency: Groat (Gt)
Meals
Chips: 2-3 Groats
Chips and big sausage: 3-5 Groats
Cup of mutton-fat: 6 Groats and upwards.
Lodging
Bus station: 5-7 Groats
Tent: 7-8 Groats
Fat slapper's hoose: 8 Groats and upwards
Sunderland remains a bargain destination for foreign travellers. If you pull, eat only fat and suet, and walk everywhere, you should get away on about 12 Groats a day without scrimping. Changing money is awkward. There are no banks, so everything is black-market. Shopping is even more frustrating. Despite the European Commission's best efforts, even the most westernised shops deal in pounds and ounces. Most rely on barter, so it's wise to bring proof of title to livestock, grazing land, or serfs.
Culture
Um. How to put this... Sunderland has always lived in the shadow of its bigger brother up the road, even to the extent of copying its bridge. Consequently, the locals have a chip on their shoulders about the quality of their football, beer and cultural life. That said, there is plenty going on around the town, apparently most of it involving line-dancing classes or violent beatings. Youngsters are made to watch videos teaching them how to wash properly, while it's long been a tradition among the older populace to enjoy hours of daytime television.
Suffrage is universal, but Sunderland recently made history when it was the first constituency to cast no votes at all in European elections. Those keen on making friends with the locals might consider bringing gifts of ribbons, bells, or brightly-coloured paper and foil.
Getting There
Earthworks from a putative canal linking Sunderland with Newcastle can still be seen on an escarpment near the centre. The project was unsuccessful. The railway reached the town several decades after most provincial towns were connected, and on fine days the station's single platform is still crowded with curious citizenry who come to marvel at the technology and speculate as to the relative speeds of trains and horses.
Getting Around
Walking is by far the most convenient way to get around this compact little town. Most tourists stay indoors from dusk onwards, but for andrenalin-junkies a visit to any of the pubs around the Bridges Shopping Centre offers the thrill of a remarkably violent atmosphere from around 7pm. Owing to the smog which bathes the town after dark, it can be difficult distinguishing between the sexes of the populace; visitors seeking romance should take extra care.
enjoy your trip. ftm
posted by jonnyfun at 9:23 p.m.
2 Comments:
Dear whoever it may concern,
I have read your 'tourist's guide to Sunderland' and i think it is totally offensive and immature. The 'Culture' section is highly untrue reguarding 'The Youngsters made to watch videos on how to wash themselves properly' You imply and portray the people that inhabit Sunderland as 'lower class' and 'have a total disreguard for personal hygiene'. You portray them as generally 'violent alcoholics who are obsessed with their football club SAFC'. Therefore I cannot respect your view due to the insufficiant lack of evidence to support your opinions, and patronising tone. In the future i think that you should actually research an area before you comment about it and it's inhabitants! Your views show a total disreguard to Sunderland, you don't have to like an area to right good comments about it. Your views seem bias when they should be objective. You may think that i am writing a bias opinion but i have tried to be objective about this matter. Good look in the future, i hope you improve your attitude towards specific areas. You have a good writing style that you should use to your advantage, you could be great. Yours sincerly Hope Liddle (age 15) Pennywell School Sunderland
dear hope,
thanks for your comment.
er, a few things...
i didn't write the piece - i wish i had. like you say, it's quite well written (spoiling mistooks aside).
i grew up in washington, which (for you non-locals reading this) is affectionately know as part of city of sunderland. i was just there just this weekend and not a unclean youngster in sight - the videos must be working.
good to see you're sticking up for the 'town' of sunderland though. it's not as bad as all those tour guides make out.
in all seriousness though, just wait til you read what they wrote about middlesbrough...
peace to you and yours
jf
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