my blog of revelation

so, i have been tagged. not like a criminal. christ on a bike, i can't even get broadband over here, so there's no hope of being tagged like that.

here's "six weird things you wouldn't necessarily guess about me".

on with the show...

1. i still have a brace. it's behind my bottom front teeth. as opposed to my
front bottom teeth, which i think some ladies have. or was that my mate john's
dream? NEXT!

2. i am currently sporting a beard. it's the first time i've ever had one. i was
always concerned that sporting any kind of facial decoration would make me unsuitable for working with children. i've not yet been called the nice lady with the beard, but it's early days.

3. related to 2 - i don't like getting my hair cut. this is not that weird and probably a bit guessable if you saw me. i don't like change. change is never good. except loose change. change that you can go back on, if you think you've made an arse.

4. following kevin's divulgence of his spinal deficit, i'll tell you that i have scheuermann's disease. don't worry, i will make it to the end of this blog. it just explains my stoop, and suggests that if i make it past 40 i will be looking at you from through my legs, backwards.

5. i was chucked off silksworth dry ski slope, sunderland, for being unable to stop (aged 14?). who needs to stop when you can crash into a wall, i ask you?

6. i've had blond highlights. twice. first as a young thing in edinburgh. then, the second time, while in sheffield, my girlfriend threatened that she'd dump me if i ever got highlights again. she then dumped me. i got highlights. we got back together. they were lush. quod erat demonstrandum.

i bet you're somewhere between impressed and apathetic after that... i do not blame you.

so, who be next?

laura

keeping it in the family

i have been tagged by cousin kevin.

i have to think of six "weird things you wouldn’t necessarily guess about me".

i've been thinking all weekend, and have not filled my quota.

i will return, once i hit my target. oh yes. i'm management material.

sleepwalking

twice in two days? my oh my, i am fast becoming prolific. better watch that.

i had some sensible stuff to write about but i reckon it'll keep. and i realise that i've not talked about stuttering for ages. this is 'cos i have been cured by the pox. possibly.

so, on to today's main news story. sleepwalking. a terrible affliction that i think i have contracted.

or perhaps i am just going MENTOL.

i love my job. i jump out of bed to go to it. by 'love' i mean 'tolerate' and with 'jump' i mean 'fall, grudgingly'. today i had a meeting first thing, and as those of you who are familiar with my work will testify, mornings do not suit me. 10 a.m. is good.

may i set the scene for you? it is dark, nightime as it is called around the anglophonedworld. i am asleep. very asleep.

i wake in a semi-blind panic, look over at the clock, disbelieving that it is 7.30 already, i check my phone. yes, the truth hurts, i must moisten my flesh. i go and start to moisten my flesh, the water's not that hot, i presume my early start has confused the hot water timer. i have a record quick shower, ten minutes-ish (+VAT), and go back to my room, proudly checking the clock, at my spartan efforts to get up and ready in this winter of discontent.

bless us and save us.

1.40.

1.40.

nah.

check the phone.

1.39.

it's even earlier!

now, because i am jonny fun, i did find this hilarious. after my initial wondering if it was all a dream, i looked at the postive side... i still had about 6 hours sleep to get!

so i did. i went back to sleep, cold and giggling, and with slightly damp hair.

later, like normal people, i got up at the prescribed time (put my hair right, it had gone BIG), and even made the meeting. for which i was early.

no more lastminute.fun until the morra.

sleep well folks, i think we all deserve it tonight.

sunderland: a tourist's guide

here's something light hearted to hopefully cheer you.

now, i didn't write this. secretly i wish i had.

i first saw this many moons ago, but lost it in the great computer disaster of 2003 in drogheda, co. louth. it was recently returned to me via a mackem in italy. alas, i don't know who to credit, but i will gladly buy them a pint. unless they're a m@g.

the future's bright, the future's mackem.

***

Sunderland, tucked away in the north east of England, is a hidden gem. After its discovery by missionaries in the nineteenth century it became a vibrant area forcrime, NHS blunders, and unemployment. The town is the ideal launch-pad for a tour of fascinating heavy industrial sites, desolate brownfield locations and unsuccessful emergency regional funding projects. The centre has a lively nightlife and boasts numerous working-men's clubs, fine chip shops and a smallishdog-track.

Sunderland's famous sons are few and far between, and one might be tempted to dismiss it as one of the more insignificant towns in England. Yet nothing could be further from the truth. Its inhabitants, affectionately known as Mackem c****, have a long and honourable tradition of making salt, possess a famously polluted river, and the population is renowned for its cheeky car thieves and disabled housebreakers

Full name: The town of Sunderland
Area: 5.6 sq km
Population: No. of benefit claimants divided by two
People: 4% Simian, 4% Gypsy, 2.6% Human
Language: Slurred
Religion: 60.1% Heathen, 32.5% Scientologist, 7.4%Mithras
Local Government: Old Labour
GDP per head: US$74
Annual growth: -5%
Inflation: 10%
Major industries: Scrounging, wheel-theft, graffiti,eating (esp.processed foods and lard pie).
Major trading partners: Peterlee, Stanley
Twinned with: Mogadishu, Apeworld (Wroclaw, Poland)

Facts for the Traveller
Visas: Make your own with crayons and see if they tell the difference.
Health risks: Botulism, foot-and-mouth, staggers
Time: GMT minus fifteen years
Electricity: 220V, 50 Hz (limited coverage)
Weights & measures: Fish, loaves
Tourism: 20 visitors per year

When to Go
Sunderland is shrouded in gloom for around eleven months of the year. July can be spectacular, but is normally wet. Like Paris and Rome, the town is quiet in August, but unlike anywhere else it stays that way all year round. Not for nothing is the word Sunderland derived from the old Norse for "hell-hole inmourning". Autumn is beautiful, elsewhere, but the skies in this town are resolutely murky. November is one of the rainiest months of the year. Winter is cold, often bleak, and most shops closed.

Events
Sunderland's major celebration is the Spring Relegation Festival (May), a two-week cultural extravaganza of wailing and grinding of teeth. Tourists come from afar to wear sackcloth and ashes, and a month of hard solitary drinking culminates withthe crucifixion of a curious half-man half-monkey inthe town square. The symphony orchestra has an international reputation. Not. Sunderland's glass-engraving industry reached itsapogee at the beginning of the twentieth century and also proved an enduring source of entertainment to local vandals.

Money & Costs
Currency: Groat (Gt)

Meals
Chips: 2-3 Groats
Chips and big sausage: 3-5 Groats
Cup of mutton-fat: 6 Groats and upwards.

Lodging
Bus station: 5-7 Groats
Tent: 7-8 Groats
Fat slapper's hoose: 8 Groats and upwards

Sunderland remains a bargain destination for foreign travellers. If you pull, eat only fat and suet, and walk everywhere, you should get away on about 12 Groats a day without scrimping. Changing money is awkward. There are no banks, so everything is black-market. Shopping is even more frustrating. Despite the European Commission's best efforts, even the most westernised shops deal in pounds and ounces. Most rely on barter, so it's wise to bring proof of title to livestock, grazing land, or serfs.

Culture
Um. How to put this... Sunderland has always lived in the shadow of its bigger brother up the road, even to the extent of copying its bridge. Consequently, the locals have a chip on their shoulders about the quality of their football, beer and cultural life. That said, there is plenty going on around the town, apparently most of it involving line-dancing classes or violent beatings. Youngsters are made to watch videos teaching them how to wash properly, while it's long been a tradition among the older populace to enjoy hours of daytime television.

Suffrage is universal, but Sunderland recently made history when it was the first constituency to cast no votes at all in European elections. Those keen on making friends with the locals might consider bringing gifts of ribbons, bells, or brightly-coloured paper and foil.

Getting There
Earthworks from a putative canal linking Sunderland with Newcastle can still be seen on an escarpment near the centre. The project was unsuccessful. The railway reached the town several decades after most provincial towns were connected, and on fine days the station's single platform is still crowded with curious citizenry who come to marvel at the technology and speculate as to the relative speeds of trains and horses.

Getting Around
Walking is by far the most convenient way to get around this compact little town. Most tourists stay indoors from dusk onwards, but for andrenalin-junkies a visit to any of the pubs around the Bridges Shopping Centre offers the thrill of a remarkably violent atmosphere from around 7pm. Owing to the smog which bathes the town after dark, it can be difficult distinguishing between the sexes of the populace; visitors seeking romance should take extra care.

enjoy your trip. ftm

information super country lane

they fixed my phone!

and i can dial up to the interweb.

it's an old fashioned modem, but it works, and i can type to you, just like this.

look.

see.

that's me typing.

yay.

all the best for 1907.